Memories
by haternotalover
Summary: Eli thinks about Julia after the funeral. Summary sucks, sorry!  Inspired by Memories by Panic! At the Disco. Everyone should check that song out


**I know this sucks but I started writing it then I finished and thought 'What the heck?' And here we are.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or Memories by Panic! At the Disco. I do own a pretty sweet t-shirt collection.**

_**April 2009**_

_He was the congregation's vagrant  
With an unrequited love  
When your passion's exaltation  
Then finding refuge is not enough_

Eli stormed out of the church, planning to never set foot in one again. Elijah Goldsworthy wasn't meant for church. Not anymore. They held too many memories. But now the person who he had shared most of those memories with was gone, left in the church that Eli had just exited. His black boots squeaked against the sidewalk as he rushed over to his parents' car, eager to get away from the crying, the sadness, and the anger. But there was no escape from the awful pain he felt. This was crushing, overpowering; he couldn't breathe.

More than the pain, though, was the guilt. Guilt is a hard concept. Was he really guilty? Did he really feel the guilt, or was it just a figment of his messed up imagination. Eli was confused.

_She was the youngest of the family  
And the last to be let go  
When they decided they would try  
And make it on their own_

Sitting in the back seat of CeCe and Bullfrog's car, he found papers. Many just lyric sheets and emails about the radio station, but there were others too, lined papers, like something you would find in a notebook, filled with notes. Bus schedules, hotel rates, gas prices, and other things were scribbled all over the pages. Eli's eyes welled up with tears as he crumpled the papers into a big ball. He planned to throw them out the window, but something stopped him: the crushing pain, the guilt. He needed to keep them, a reminder of what he'd lost. He couldn't let the memories fade away.

They were going to go to Vancouver, live there forever. Julia's older sisters had already left the house, one was in college, the other already graduated and married with a baby girl. She was left with no one but her horrid step mother and her father who stopped caring about her when he got remarried. They wanted to get out; her to show her parents she was able to survive on her own, and him because he wanted nothing more than to be with her, even if it meant leaving his parents.

_Oh memories where'd you go  
You were all I've ever known  
How I miss yesterday  
And how I let it fade away  
Where'd you go-oh-oh  
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh_

He missed her. It was as simple as that. Finding their plans in back seat of the sedan only reminded him of how much she was a part of his life. She was his first girlfriend, his first love, his first _everything_. He didn't know how to survive without someone to lean on, someone to protect him, someone to love him unconditionally. His parents didn't count. They were obligated to love him, even if he was a total brat or if he was gay. Neither of which he was, but that's beside the point.

He needed someone to love him faults and all, someone who didn't _have _to.

His memories were something to be held on to. He needed reminders, stuff that no one else would understand but him and Julia. Just little inside jokes they had. They were the perfect secret. Like that saying: _two can keep a secret if one of them is dead_. How appropriate.

_When July became December  
Their affection fought the cold  
But they couldn't quite remember  
What inspired them to go_

His memories of them from the months before she died were warped, by pain, by fights, by anything but love. He loved her so much, and she loved him as well, but at the same time they hated each other. The constant fighting, the arguments so bad they sometimes turned violent. They tried to love but it just turned into strife, into hate and turmoil. But through all that, they knew they were meant for each other. It was just a rough patch, something all couples go through. It was like they were broken, both trying to fix each other, but neither had the right tools.

Eli Goldsworthy sat in the back of his parent's sedan and cried.

**Was it as bad I think it was? Review and tell me :)**


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